Green Flags

A few years ago, for a few years, I employed a shit-test I would sometimes put potential friends and or partners through, in order to gauge our compatibility. It went like this: I’d take them to my favorite park and then I’d point at the ducks. Then, I would ask them one question:

Have you heard the good word about duck dicks?

Most people would answer in the negative, so I’d launch into a monologue about duck genitalia. I’d talk about how if you're a duck, regardless of gender, your genitalia are nine inches long and corkscrewed. I’d talk about the sexual evolutionary war between male and female sex organs- how the males have spikes covering the screws to scrub away rival sperm, how the females have vaginal dead ends to filter out the less-than-ideal mates, how by some quirk of the eons, the male and female genitalia curve in opposite directions, and about the ‘explosive’ erection of male ducks. I'd wrap up by saying that every time one sees a flock of ducks over a sunset-lit lake, you can now also rest in the knowledge that attached to every one of those magnificent silhouetted winged creatures is a 9-inch corkscrewed pigtail-like penis or vagina.

It was fascinating to see people's reactions to this information. Many were elated or amused, and smiled wide as this new information about the world was ingested, but others were genuinely horrified and would ask me to stop talking about duck dicks. Their reaction always gave me a good deal of information about the person, and so I did it often. 

Ducks do this too, in their own way. Male ducks, somewhat counter-intuitively from the human perspective are strikingly pretty, with heads covered in green-blue luminescent plumage. Female ducks, who stay close to the nest, are nest-colored- brown and light brown. Like male ducks, people often wear green signals of fitness, and it is skillful to look out for them.

Here is a list of some of the green flags I look for in a potential friend or partner:

If they stop walking and say 'woah' at stuff, that's a green flag.

If they enjoy their sneezes, that's a green flag.

If they break the fourth wall with you, that’s a green flag.

If they laugh at themselves, that's a green flag.

If their reaction to absurdity is acceptance and appreciation, that's a green flag.

If they show a willingness to reckon with the reality of death, that's a green flag.

If they can hold heavy things lightly that’s a green flag.

If they can hold light things heavily that's a green flag.

If they dance in the absence of music that's a green flag.

If they can help with holding good frames and shattering bad ones that's a green flag.

If they have a healthy appetite for their shadow that's a green flag.

If they use their disgust response for checking if milk is good & not for making moral decisions, that's a green flag.

If they are genuinely curious about themselves that's a green flag.

If they are comfortable with taking responsibility, their own skin, and disagreeing with you, that's a green flag.

If they can turn work into a game and monotony into a rhythm, that's a green flag.

If they've successfully reinvented themselves by both transcending and including their past, that's two green flags.

If they, like the universe, have a penchant for weird complexity, that is a green flag. 

I wish us all great luck on the great duck hunt of love!